Urbana 2.0 - Xanga Reminiscing and God's Gifts

*Warning...this is a long post, but if you wanna know what's been going on in my life...then read on...

I've been putting off writing about Urbana for some time now, trying to give myself some time to process what happened. The different ways God met me, etc.

I think that my Urbana 09 story, really is a continuation of my life story, so I'll give a little (relevant) background. I've known since around my junior year of high school, that God's called me to missions in some form or another (for the long run). As a freshmen, I really didn't want to go to Urbana. I wanted to go home, visit my friends, and recharge from a long semester (and trust me...it was long)

I re-read my xanga post from 2006...remember xanga??? You can find that post here. To paraphrase something I wrote from 2006:

However, God also convicted me of my laziness. Because I had known of my calling for awhile now I had become complacent, not caring about everything that happened around me. God said to me through this convention that I need to be more aware of everything happen around me and to be more concerned about things happening here as well.

My freshmen year, I really didn't care that much about God. I went to things, but it was moreso cause Melissa dragged me to them (hi Melissa!!!).

As I look back at the last three years, I feel like I've been able to be intentional about meeting specific people and their needs, as well as become part of a community (for the good and bad times). I wouldn't trade this experience, or people that I've become so intertwined with, for anything.

So leading into Urbana 09, it was definitely a very different approach going in. Contrary to the last Urbana, I was actually really excited to go. I was dragging my brother with me, and it would be some good quality time away from "life" (in a way) to get to know 1) my brother and 2) the acf community better.

I also went into Urbana expecting God to answer 1 big question for me: What I should be focusing my time and energy to apply for...either a full time job in systems engineering, or serving in a missions agency for the time being.

So basically, I expected God to provide 1)awesome relationships, 2) discernment, and 3) awesome worship...(I know, I just threw that last one in there)

Right before Urbana happened, Kevin sent out an email encouraging us to "fast" (in a way) from technology and focus on God during Urbana. I took it to heart, and decided not to use my computer (even though I had it....Lenny was saddened by my neglect). This "fast" lead to me journaling at night to record my thoughts and dialogue with God.

In the mornings, the girls (cause they are weird) decided to get lunch super early, then go back to their rooms for an hour...so it lead to even more downtime for me to do my individual devos and reflect.

Every morning, I ask God for three specific things, so I can see specific ways that God can answer prayer. The first two days, it was absolutely amazing. God not only met my requests, but surpassed my expectations for how he would work. It was pretty amazing...to say the least.

During all this conversation time with God, He spoke to me in all these different areas of my life that I've been struggling in. For those of you who weren't aware, last semester was pretty bad. There was a three week stretch were I took a self-declared unofficial "mental health break" from school and basically laid on my bed...the last half of the semester, I really wanted to just leave school and drop my Master's program. But God spoke to me, during the morning and evening when people were not around, (ironic, since I was looking for fellowship and community at Urbana).

The third day came around, kind of the midway point at Urbana. I remember waking up and thinking, ok, today is where I figure out what to apply to...jobs or missions? I'll figure it out.

Throughout the day, I was trying to listen to that "still small voice" guiding me in a specific direction. However, the only thing I heard was...."Don't worry about it...", I think it was the first time that I've realized how truly annoying that phrase really is...and I got ridiculously frustrated. Here's what I wrote in my journal:

I'm not sure how God wants me to go over to Overseas. I know I'm supposed to go eventually, but where specifically? How? What time? In what kind of profession? What am I to do in the meantime? I'm afraid of what next year brings, and the implications of it. Do I just settle and go into industry?

I went to sleep feeling immensely frustrated and confused.

All of the next day, I was feeling pretty confused and I decided to go to prayer ministry to get some prayer, knowing the power or prayer and the ways God uses other people to reach you.

While we were waiting to meet up to go to prayer ministry together, we were sitting down, just kinda resting, and Josh, the MD/PHD that came to ACF that one time randomly walked by and we started talking about our weeks. As I was sharing my frustrations with him, he made a really good point that often times in the bible, people were given a calling, but not given a specific step-by-step plan on how to accomplish that plan. For some reason, it stuck with me...I wasn't really sure whether I agreed that it fit with my situation, or that it was relevant to me at all.

Anyway, we went to the prayer ministry room, which was ginormous (if I had to guess, I would say at least 50 yards long ~ cause you know everything in life is measured like a football field :P)

As I stepped through the doors, the first person I saw was Adam Leong. He was walking around, so I asked him if he would pray for me. I explained the situation I was in, and my frustrations etc. He laid hands on me, and we prayed. First he asked for peace about the situation. As he prayed for peace, I literally felt an overwhelming sense of peace, like something was lifted away, and I could run forward, not to be hit by a brick wall. I started talking to God, dialoguing with Him, and just listening for the things that he would put on my heart.

As I listened I saw an image of........my xanga site...specifically a post from before I chose which college to go to. I remembered the stress of choosing a college, of deciding where to spend the next 4 years. AND God reminded me of how he had been and was now walking along side me.

As I listened further, I heard him saying look at how you planned for college, you spammed applications, and I closed the doors I needed to close. Do the same with these applications. Apply to both, everything you can think of. I will close the doors I need to close, and open the right oppurtunities for you. Look at all the things you've accomplished at WashU, the lives you've touched, the people that have been able to touch you're life. I know what will work best for you, and I've got your back...

I've got your back...

I heard this phrase a couple times before it finally sank in....the reassurance was just overwhelming. God met me in ways I was NOT expecting, he touched areas of my life that I was NOT expecting, but overall, he KNEW what I needed.

So yeah, Urbana 09 was definitely a very different experience for me, but I'm soo thankful for the way that God met me. It was well work a week of my winter break.

I've been spamming job applications left and right, but thats a story for another day (perhaps tomorrow if I find time)

Thanks for reading, if you've gotten this far in the post, it means, you really care and want to know whats going on in my life...I'm thankful that God's gifted me with such good friends.

Since you've reached the end...I feel its only appropriate to give you a prize....Click Here (I promise its not a Rick Roll)

~Matti